I hate waiting for a hurricane. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that we have warning. Unlike a tornado which can just drop randomly out of the sky.
And listen, there is not much funny about hurricanes either. Especially when Harvey just ripped up Texas, and everyone is on edge. People are bound to die if this rowdy bitch named Irma hits land.
That’s fucking scary.
And I worry about Daniel, my rose maker, and Michael, my favorite dumpster helper, the one that doesn’t punch you if you don’t have any money, and several other people I’ve grown to know who don’t have solid roofs over their heads every night.
Course, when a CAT 4 is coming toward ya, you worry about everyone you love. Shit, you even worry about the ones you don’t even like. You realize you don’t dislike them that much. “I mean, she’s a bitch, but I don’t want her wiped off the face of the earth”.
I’m super Zen like that.
The waiting. The GODDAMN WAITING, it can really get to you.
Everyone watching, worrying, waiting, wondering, wishing, what the fuck?
And the whole island holds their breath.
We all prepare.
The Lieutenant Dan
Sure, you have some people that laugh in the face of danger. These are the eye rollers, the ones who let out mouth farts like “I can take Irma” and “That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”, to which I say “Sometimes you get killed, dipshit”, that is the part nobody ever focuses on, the many people who may not get stronger.
The Maybe-caner
The ones who couldn’t be bothered by the likes of a possible hurricane, unless it’s 100% for sure coming it does not exists at all. They sputter “too early to tell” and “whatever”, and “I’ll cross that bridge when we know if their is a bridge to cross”.
The Hurri-shamer
These are the ones that make you feel like you are a complete pussy for being concerned at all. I mean, what kind of islander are you if you are worried about a CAT 4 Hurricane? These guys are kings and Queens of the asshole questions like “Oh, is this your first?” cue side turned head and cute patronizing voice.
The Hurri-holic
These are my favorite of the unprepared and who I’d be if I didn’t have Scarlett. These are the ROCKSTARS who have 7 bottles of tequila, a dozen limes, 12 bottles of Rum, some beer, 6 cans of Tuna, and one flashlight in their cart. They also may have a bunch of lighters, and have no candles. They will have the the Hurricane Party and will likely be passed out for the BIG SHOW.
The Hurri-bully
They tell you what you have to do and are not open to any suggestions. They are not even open to questions. If you do not follow everything they say, without question or clarification, you are a total fucking idiot and deserve to die. They are basically your “blow hard uncle” talking about hurricanes.
The Hurri-bragger
These guys are proud as hell of staying and enduring the past hurricanes, they wear it like a badge of honor. They get a gleam in their eye and make you think that they are really BADASS for living through what they have. You will also be 100% certain that you will not be able to make it like they did, because you are a pussy. They have a rare genetic gift that makes them much stronger and no one could possibly understand what it takes.
The Hurri-hoarder
This is the reason that there are no flashlights on day one of the announcement of the hurricane. The Hurricane Squirrel will gather every single flashlight in home depot “just in case”, this is the same asshole that gets 10 boxes of candy canes at Christmas for their one grandchild. They really have a hoarding problem and this is just the excuse they need.
The Meteorologist
Often sets the tone with a statement like “I’m no meteorologist, but”, and “From what I can see”. They’ve also picked up words like “down swoop”, “up swing”, and “millibar”. They will be “tracking” instead of “watching” the storm. They mean business. This is science folks. They are fact talking. They don’t have time for emotions as they are very busy calculating.
The Hurri-prayer
These people have not mentioned God in ever, however they are calling up warriors, posting memes about Jesus, asking for prayers, talking to God directly, and quoting the Bible all on preparation of the hurricane. They have chosen to go all the way with God. These are the same ding dongs that will say “he has a plan” when everything falls apart. I’m not really sure that if there was never the concept of god that they wouldn’t be in the “Hurrifuckit Group”
The Hurri-fuckit
These people give no fucks about anything until it is too late. They are very likely closely attached to a Hurri-hoarder. These pinballs are “going with the flow” and often use “Duuuuude” to start a story.
The Hurri-dodgers
These are the jerks that run at the thought of being uncomfortable. These are the Donald Trumps in the military type islanders. The fair weather islanders. The least respected by the other groups. These are quitters. Most likely to get a divorce type people. When the going gets tough, they get going, the opposite way.
The Hurri-prepper
These are the the most diligent of the prepares. It’s almost a hobby. When they make reservations they make them for three, him, her, and the impending doom. They close their shutters on June 1st and don’t open them again until Thanksgiving. They have been preparing for the big day and can’t wait secretly. You kinda wanna live by one of these freaks.
No matter how we all do it, it’s coming. A whole rock of people wishing, hoping, praying, manifesting, fingers crossing that this thing turns north and misses us all.
Please Irma, FUCK OFF.
A lot of you have been asking what my plan is. I have a ticket out of here Tuesday afternoon. I always had a deal with myself that anything over a CAT 2 I would get Scarlett somewhere safe. But I can tell you that it is not as easy as I thought it would be.
These people are like family to me, it is so hard to leave. I am so scared that I will be facing loss again in my life. I can’t bear the thought. I’m crying as I type, and I have been taking addresses and locations just in case I need to come back with the military to find my fucking squad.
For all my islanders reading, please be safe, my heart is with you.
