We’ve all got one, that parent that we believe that we “picked” to teach us patience and understanding. That fucking parent that gets under our skin. Sure, we love them, sure, they gave us life, sure, we know they love us, sure, they want the best for us, sure, murder is not an option.
For some reason, they are ours and we are theirs. That doesn’t make it easier. With these tips you can get through the holidays.
One, know that they will be dead soon. This is to be kept in the back of your mind at all times. I recommend visualizing their funeral, what you will be wearing, who you will see, and what nice things you will come up with to say.
Two, keep pot on hand, offer it to everyone. Even if you do not partake, even if they don’t, it’s a nice ice breaker, and it shows who’s cool and who’s not. It also makes life a bit easier if you do smoke it.
Three, booze also helps. Be careful with this one, it can backfire quickly, as you might be inclined to tell said parent just how they have fucked you up, and that never helps anyone. Remember to avoid the ones that make you cry, white wine is a strict no-no for me, as is whiskey which makes me want to try all those kick boxing moves I know.
Four, humor is your friend, if you don’t have siblings, fine, or even worse, if your sibling doesn’t agree with your findings that this parent is annoying as fuck, then find someone with a parent that is just as annoying, it shouldn’t be hard to do. Rip on them constantly, social media is a great outlet, as most of these particular parents couldn’t work their way around the world wide web if you paid them a trillion dollars.
Five, don’t bring up money.
Six, under no circumstances do you bring up anything that opens up a forum for opinions. This will only fuel the killing urge. “What do you think” should never come out of your mouth. Also, do not take the bait if said parent asks for yours, they are baiting you.
Seven, don’t agree to go anywhere with this parent. Malls, restaurants, parties, or anything with other people will only bring to life just how horrendous this situation is. It is like putting a microscope on your differences, and nobody has the endurance for that shit.
Eight, try to remember that everything they hate about you is something they hate about themselves playing out in the form of you. It’s the highest form of self loathing.
Nine, focus on the parent that you like if you have one, if you don’t, then bring someone along that you can connect with, a cousin, anything will do, but do not be alone with said parent, they will corner you and you will start kicking and fighting.
Ten, Remember, no matter what, it is their fault. They made you, it’s on them that you’re totally fucked up. In a pinch, a subtle reminder may be necessary,
Good Luck and GODSPEED.
